Yo Mama

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:05:48 GMT

something about me is wrong, isn't it? i was born this way. i just don't understand anything, am i really alone in feeling this helpless? this cycle needs to be broken because i can't keep inflicting pain on the people around me. somebody make this stop. i feel so fucking low.

ANOTHER FAILED RELATIONSHIP

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 11:26:36 GMT

to be quite honest i don't even know what to make of you. you're a bulimic headcase. a control freak. and a child. we're no longer talking and you can sit there until you are blue in the face and say you've done nothing wrong, and your mother was right about me, and that you don't give a fuck. well then why are you constantly aiming your updates on various websites at me?! grow the fuck up, that's something the rest of the world used to do in highschool. it totally contradicts the 'maturity' you claim to have now that you're turning eighteen in less than a month. you're literally such an idiot. you make no difference to my life anymore, the annoying part is that you seem to think you do. that's what bugs me. you mean nothing to me. and i obviously meant nothing to you seeing as all you ever did was talk about me, what we'd done, and where we'd been to other people. openly announcing that you thought we weren't 'working out' to a table full of people when i wasn't there. reeling people into some kind of sick attention seeking game. you need to be in the spotlight at all times and moaning about me and making problems seemed to do that for you. you put minimal effort into our relationship but moaned that i wasn't kissing you or anything. well excuse me if you don't even slap on a little make up for me in the morning when we're meant to be together then maybe i don't want to put effort in myself. you basically used me to get yourself all the attention you craved when people tuned out of your senseless bullshit about how you are fat, ugly, untalented, too tall, bad haired or how you took a photo of yourself last night and didn't like it. or my all time favourite, how you hadn't eaten in two days - as if i'm going to clap you on this wonderful achievement. dick. all you ever did was talk about yourself and your terrible 'problems', like your mum telling you to clean your room because it was dirty. and then not even asking how the rest of your friends are. some of us have actual problems at home you egocentric moron. you've pushed all of your friends away and have gone back to basically the shit at the bottom of our shoes, hanging about with the biggest losers in college. you know the kind that giggle at the thought of sex. 'omg a boy!'. you just drive me up the wall and i can't believe i actually thought you were into me when it was the attention that you craved. don't even pretend you know anything about the ways of the world because tbh, you don't know shit. so go back to your 'slumber party' and stay there, bitch.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:49:31 GMT

i'm actually going nowhere with anything. i'm not sure if its a girl thing, and because i spend more time with them than guys that i've noticed it but i'm always expected to make the first move with everything. if i hugged you, would you hug me back and not want to let go? and as for you, stop telling me you love me because you don't. we still hardly know eachother and i'm not ready for that. something that life has taught me is that the faster you start telling people you love them. the faster it becomes real, and they begin to dissapear. and i'm not going to say i don't want you to dissapear because i don't know what i want right now. i'm just trying to keep it low, do my work, and focus on myself and after everything that's happened to me this year so far i don't know if i'm ready for a relationship. so, once again i find myself here writing things which just don't make sense and i don't know if anybody even understands me anymore. because i don't. and i've lost it but i'm still holding on and waiting for things to pick up. i don't know who i am anymore. i just don't think that i really know how to love anymore, living in a house where the word is never spoken and with two parents who do nothing but fight and bitch. it's a bitter nightmare, love died here. along with respect. my grandads pretty sick right now and i don't think he's going to come out of hospital this time. my grandparents mean the world to me and i'm not sure how i'm going to cope when things happen because i can't even bring myself to cry right now no matter how much my own mother does and i sit and i watch. the very thing that is killing him is what will eventually kill my mother, and me. but i'm not sure you can break a heart more than this. i'm weak.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:17:13 GMT

i've not felt the need to write on here for a long while now, and i don't even remember the last time i posted to this at all really. but tonight things are just getting a little too much for me and i'd write this on tumblr but i don't want people to read this and i only really use that in a lighthearted fun kind of way. i guess, i'm trying to say that i need somebody to talk to who understands me and won't judge me. i don't particularly want an audience for this post because i don't even know where it's going yet or what i'm going to say but there is a lot that i want to relieve myself of and i think if i don't do this now i'm going to end up doing something really dumb which i will regret. a lot has changed since my previous update. my very best friend in the entire world, and i'm going to give her that title until the day that i die regardless of whether we talk anymore or not because she knew me better than anybody ever has, has moved on. after everything that i went through and she helped me through she soon turned her back and this has really messed me up. i don't quite think she knows this either - it probably just looks like i'm being pathetic, but i'm not. i don't actually know how to act around people anymore. i put every ounce of faith and trust i had into her and even she was taken away from me. i noticed over the holidays that we started to drift appart and i tried to hold it all together but it was happening either way, and then she went to a party with my entire yeargroup and failed to invite me and i guess at that point i knew how things would end. it sounds pathetic, and i know it is but that's just where it started. after that blew over, her friend felt the need to stalk and read my tumblr in which i said i was really mad and felt like doing one of those high school massacres. it was lighthearted anger, i wasn't being serious. lord knows this is just what i'm like. and she knows this is what i'm like too, but her friend began to be really homophobic and disgusting towards me over msn and it really upset me. after everything i'd been through and she'd been through with me. i cried on her shoulder. she still said those things, and when i confronted my best friend about it she simply held out on the information and protected all her new friends so i just realised that nobody was going to apologise so it was best to probably stay away from people like that. and i dare say that the entire group knows every little secret i told you now and every experience we had together and it makes me feel sick. i don't speak of why we're not friends when people ask, i just tell them that things change and sometimes these things pan out this way. i haven't told any of them the things that you told me, i respect and care about you too much still. i just hate the person that you appear to have become. i used to know you so well. but one thing that is bugging me most is that i feel like you don't know any of this. how i felt about the situation, how much i cared and loved you. or maybe you don't care to know. but i really did love you and it upsets me that i spend an hour a day in a room with you and we don't talk because neither of us really know whether to or not. i doubt you will ever read this, and i understand if you do and you still think i'm a prick and that i walked away from you. because, well, that really is what happened because i'm useless. i'm a lover, not a fighter and i wasn't willing to fight for you to stay in my life. i don't even understand us, or myself. i loved you so much and i let you go. i'm not even bothered about anybody else in the equation. it was always you, and it was me. i just wish things had panned out differently because everytime i watch you kiss somebody else it hurts me because i know that i've lost you and that you're never going to waste a minute of your time being friends with somebody such as myself. i guess i'm just selfish, and most of the time now i feel like i'm half asleep because i can't bare to be awake and face the day because you won't really be helping me through it like you used to. i just wanted to be there for you like you were for me, but i failed you.

i won't let you fall away. oh, you will never fade away from me.

Alternate Effects;

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:56:50 GMT

suicide? not quite, but i'm feeling pretty close.
about a week ago i thought that i'd put on 'hocus pocus', it's one of my altime favourite films and always has/will be. but for some reason this time it upset me. and i've felt down ever since. its worse than usual, a lot worse. i can't seem to get over it and it shows this time too. whilst watching it i was just so enchanted, and as always felt happy. but i just wanted to cry. i've felt numb since i turned the dvd off. googling the cast, seeing that the lead character - somebody who as a child i worshipped and wanted to be - is now a hairdresser in los angeles and is old, fat and pretty much unmarried and failed just crushed me. you know like the day you found out santa wasn't real? that kind of feeling. i guess i've just been feeling nostalgic recently towards the whole concept of my past. my childhood. the 90's. i miss the whole thing, the stupid bits. the alien eggs, pogs, bayblades, pokemon cards, the cartoons and the way they used to make me feel. i'm not ready to grow up just yet, not at all. i never learned an instrument. this is rambling, i guess i just miss simpler times when things were cool. and the longer i spend in this shitty little town with people who have their own lives to lead now, and have all grown up and outgrown me, the more i miss my childhood. and the more i miss my childhood, the more i think about it and when i think. it's never a good thing. the thought that times past are never coming back actually brings me to tears. i'm just feeling so down with the way things are, and the way they seem to be heading. there's nothing to look forward to, life just seems pointless. we're born to reproduce, work, and then we die. where is the sense in that? and i hate to seem dramatic, but really what is the point? i cannot snap out of this way of thinking and people can see straight through my 'honestly, i'm okay' act. just don't make me grow up yet because i can't live in the future when i'm not even able to deal with the past. fuck knows, this probably didn't really even make sense but thank you. i just have nobody to talk to anymore.

Borrowed Time;

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 16:30:39 GMT

the need for a constant in my life has become quite great. i would like something to rely on, to love and to hold. because truthfully, i can't blame myself when its so obviously you who has changed. and its gotten to the point where you don't even want me around anymore as much as you say that you do. you were the one thing i wanted to hold on to, but you seem to be doing everything in your power to move away from life with me. change your screename, and your group of friends if you will. i won't chase after you anymore. if this is what you want, then i'm glad i succeeded in giving you just that. i just hope it makes you happy, now that i know i never can.

thank you for everything.

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 19:55:48 GMT

everything has changed and i no longer have a place here. nothing makes me happier than to know this.

me, myself and i;

Thu, 07 May 2009 17:34:58 GMT

i'm still in disbelief that i believed everything we had would last. that was so young and naive of me to think he was from your past.
i guess it was just silly of me to dream of us and your sweet kiss. i was so blind, everything felt so right when it was all wrong.
i can't believe that i was dumb enough to fall for your schemes when i'm smarter than that. i must have been so naive to believe you were a changed man. people never change. its just so typical of me to compete for your affections, when you cheat with loose men and on some level i know about it. i still try. i never learn.

you were so controlling, you say that you love me - but you don't. my friends told me one day incredibly soon i'd have to see it on my own but i didn't listen. just like you didn't listen. and you're still not. please, now that its over stop calling me and can somebody please go pick up my stuff? i can't bare to look at you. you're still sat around acting like we're still together and you can stop pretending. its okay. everybody already knows.

i can't regret the time we spent together, it helped me to learn how to be alright on my own. and you've hurt me oh so much, but i've learned a lot along the way. and i've cried so many tears, and seen the bottom of an infinite number of bottles. but i know i'm going to be okay.

something feels very right about it being just me, myself and i.

home;

Mon, 04 May 2009 13:15:29 GMT

i guess that's what i should call this place, no matter how far away from it i travel. this is exactly where i end up. and that's the sad truth, i ought to just take it for what its worth and accept that this is how my life was meant to be. you live, you laugh, you love, you crash and you burn. or something to that effect.

i've been sat in this room since about 9 this morning with the curtains drawn and the door closed. i've woken up next to a bottle of wine which i'm guessing i drank last night, i don't remember. i've consumed more food than i thought possible in a matter or hours and i'm still going. i am bridget jones.

i dreamt last night that i was in his house and you came in. and neither of you even noticed i was there, and you had sex. then, you laughed because you were happy.

please excuse this failed entry, but it's all i can think about.

i want to feel again;

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:02:48 GMT

i touch the fire and it freezes me
i look into it and its black
why can't i feel?
my skin should crack and peel

will somebody please put the fire back?

DON'T LET ME STOP YOU;

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:51:47 GMT

i never thought i'd meet somebody who would make me turn my back on everything i have ever lived by in the space of a couple of months. we'd been together a week and i let you do those things to me. i feel so cheap, yet i don't regret it. boys will be boys. honestly, i haven't felt right about anything since then. i won't let that happen again.

the worst part is i don't even love you. and i know you don't love me.
this could be over with the snap of your finger.

keep that thing in your pants and your heart on your sleeve. and tonight you'll stay with your ex, and i'll lay awake wondering what's going on. but i'll keep pretending i'm okay with it all and just wait for it to be over because thats what i do best. i'm going to just have to put a little bit of faith into you, aren't i?

i hope you lay awake tonight and think of me.

cherry chapstick;

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:29:14 GMT

you know in the movies, when they say that you can kiss somebody and time stands still for a second. i never thought i'd find that. it has never happened to me, and i figured it wouldn't.

i never thought i'd find that in you. today changed everything.

fu;

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:25:28 GMT

every word you said was a lie. you used me.
how could i be so stupid?

decoy;

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 11:25:10 GMT

this isn't fair. nothing in this life is fair, growing up is teaching me just that.
it's just typical that the only person to take an interest in me, turns out to be some creep with a one track mind.
well, i won't be a part of this game in which the pieces all fit around what you want and need. i'm not stupid. i won't be the victim.
this is unkind, you're fogging up my mind and i don't want to be the one sat here. used.
i guess i'll just stay here - resting - for longer, in the blackest hole.

reality gets the best of me.

Second Hand Story;

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:14:10 GMT

girls are so predictable - they only tend to want things which give them a purpose, and i know that you have yours. however bad it is, he puts you in your place; you seem to enjoy it. i don't understand it, but i am me, and i always will be. there's no changing that. so, that's all there is to it. friends. again. sometimes the stars don't align and i guess that's okay. it's just typical that the only person who seems to want me, in any shape or form is one of the people i, myself, have been trying to avoid for a very long time. i don't believe a word you say. you only want me so you have a purpose. you're just bored. if i remember correctly, you were the one who told me it was done. so why is it not?

i kept my light on for you, and now that i'm finally finding my feet, i don't think you'd know me.
trust me, when i said goodbye i meant it. and now you're calling me, again. we've been here before.

oh, you can't have it all.

miracle;

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:42:25 GMT

i give up with you.

i want to read wallflower and feel infinite again.
this is me at my darkest.

i don't know what to do. i'm so behind with everything, and i'm losing track of where they want me to be.
i can't be what they want me to be. they're crushing my spirit.
sleep would be nice, but if i sleep i get no time to myself.

i'm begging you, please.
make this okay.

Complicated;

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:35:04 GMT

if i could find out how to make you listen, i would.
because i'm starving for you here with my undying love.

here, i confess: i prayed that you'd break up.

Never Think;

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 22:45:47 GMT

this term has changed everything. i've changed. this town is making me feel small. each step i take is a mistake somewhere down the road and it feels like i'm being moulded into something that i'm not. against my will.
i'm not a bad person. i'm not a violent person. i'm not even a person anymore.
i don't feel like a person.

and i have to say i never thought i'd want you back in my life after the abrupt ending we had. i feel like i'm new to this town, and i don't know anybody anymore. it'd be nice to have somebody to talk to about stuff like that once in a while.

i saw twilight last night just to spite the rest of the country, because i know its not out yet. and i thought it was terrible, but i don't see what possesses me to ruin things for people. i like to crush peoples spirits when it comes to things i don't agree with these days and i don't know why. i'm so bitter and i just miss how things used to be.

just call me by my name, hold my hand, and take me somewhere quiet please.
everything is a mess. nobody makes an effort anymore. and i'm sorry that he treated you that way, but i saw it from the start and i swear i wouldn't even boast about that if we spoke again.

i know that you think it wasn't worth losing people for, but now its too late. nothing seems to be able to be undone.
there's no winning, or losing in this battle and its killing me.
i'm not even sure where this entry is going, where i'm going, or where life is going to take me.
i just want somebody to hold my hand.

i'm losing faith in everything around me the longer i stay here.
this is no longer my home.

Risqué;

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:57:10 GMT

i can't say i didn't see this coming. who knew pennies really do give you good luck?
one of my friends saw a side of me today which i didn't know i had.
upon hearing the news, i simply laughed an evil laugh. an uncontrollable laugh.
i hope you like the feeling. because you should get used to it, because its how you made me feel.
its just a shame i'm not sorry at all.

afterall, nobody deserves this more than you do.

Patience;

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:58:29 GMT

oh, sure. you're pretty. but you're all i can see.
and god knows i'm a sinner.
truthfully, i just can't help myself.
i don't care about the other factors at all.

i will wait for you, for just as long as i need to, and if you ever get back to this place. you know i'll be here waiting for you.

i miss jayke more than ever today, i just wish i knew where he was.
i still pray you're alive most nights.

catching feelings;

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 12:45:53 GMT

you're not the one i believe in. and god is my witness.
when i caught myself, i had to stop myself.
but you're still pushing and pulling me down, yet i don't know what i want.
i just know in my heart its no longer you.

this place doesn't feel so private anymore.

temporary;

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:34:44 GMT

words have no meaning when its you that says:
"i really do care baby, i really do care".

don't tell me lies. just say goodbye.

crossroads;

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:53:41 GMT

today is the first day, in a long time that i've actually thought about it.
if it were painless, if it was fast, if it made things easier, i'd do it. there's no nice way of saying that i want out. and i am aware that some people worry a great a deal about me when i say it. but i know they think i'm being mellow-dramatic. but there's never been more truth in something i've said as that.

i've come to a point in my life once again, where there are many directions i can take. each one leads a different way to the last, and it doesn't matter to me which way i go. i just don't want to have to pretend that i'm happy, that i don't hurt anymore.

i won't be the one to dissapoint you anymore.

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:23:38 GMT

oh, just say it again and mean it.

10

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 22:11:41 GMT

i believe that there's hope. but i can't see it in you anymore.
i used to think it was burried somewhere inside of you.
in a place i now know i can't reach.
you've taken my time, my money, my strength and become my weakness.
but you can't take my pride.

everybody around me, i am aware, thinks this is stupid.
that i'm stupid. that i was stupid for trying to reach out to you. giving up wasn't easy.
do you think about me at night? i hope you do.

i hope i'm the guilt that keeps you up at night when you're alone in bed.
because i promise that everytime you sleep sound, honey, i'll return to attack.

you're without me now.