i've not felt the need to write on here for a long while now, and i don't even remember the last time i posted to this at all really. but tonight things are just getting a little too much for me and i'd write this on tumblr but i don't want people to read this and i only really use that in a lighthearted fun kind of way. i guess, i'm trying to say that i need somebody to talk to who understands me and won't judge me. i don't particularly want an audience for this post because i don't even know where it's going yet or what i'm going to say but there is a lot that i want to relieve myself of and i think if i don't do this now i'm going to end up doing something really dumb which i will regret. a lot has changed since my previous update. my very best friend in the entire world, and i'm going to give her that title until the day that i die regardless of whether we talk anymore or not because she knew me better than anybody ever has, has moved on. after everything that i went through and she helped me through she soon turned her back and this has really messed me up. i don't quite think she knows this either - it probably just looks like i'm being pathetic, but i'm not. i don't actually know how to act around people anymore. i put every ounce of faith and trust i had into her and even she was taken away from me. i noticed over the holidays that we started to drift appart and i tried to hold it all together but it was happening either way, and then she went to a party with my entire yeargroup and failed to invite me and i guess at that point i knew how things would end. it sounds pathetic, and i know it is but that's just where it started. after that blew over, her friend felt the need to stalk and read my tumblr in which i said i was really mad and felt like doing one of those high school massacres. it was lighthearted anger, i wasn't being serious. lord knows this is just what i'm like. and she knows this is what i'm like too, but her friend began to be really homophobic and disgusting towards me over msn and it really upset me. after everything i'd been through and she'd been through with me. i cried on her shoulder. she still said those things, and when i confronted my best friend about it she simply held out on the information and protected all her new friends so i just realised that nobody was going to apologise so it was best to probably stay away from people like that. and i dare say that the entire group knows every little secret i told you now and every experience we had together and it makes me feel sick. i don't speak of why we're not friends when people ask, i just tell them that things change and sometimes these things pan out this way. i haven't told any of them the things that you told me, i respect and care about you too much still. i just hate the person that you appear to have become. i used to know you so well. but one thing that is bugging me most is that i feel like you don't know any of this. how i felt about the situation, how much i cared and loved you. or maybe you don't care to know. but i really did love you and it upsets me that i spend an hour a day in a room with you and we don't talk because neither of us really know whether to or not. i doubt you will ever read this, and i understand if you do and you still think i'm a prick and that i walked away from you. because, well, that really is what happened because i'm useless. i'm a lover, not a fighter and i wasn't willing to fight for you to stay in my life. i don't even understand us, or myself. i loved you so much and i let you go. i'm not even bothered about anybody else in the equation. it was always you, and it was me. i just wish things had panned out differently because everytime i watch you kiss somebody else it hurts me because i know that i've lost you and that you're never going to waste a minute of your time being friends with somebody such as myself. i guess i'm just selfish, and most of the time now i feel like i'm half asleep because i can't bare to be awake and face the day because you won't really be helping me through it like you used to. i just wanted to be there for you like you were for me, but i failed you.
i won't let you fall away. oh, you will never fade away from me.
Current Mood: 
blah
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
numb
nostalgic
bouncy
hopeful
confused
anxious
aggravated